Pipe Dreams
by llivla
Summary: Itachi said Naruto's childish dreams were unattainable. Naruto almost realizes his jealousy of Itachi's place in Sasuke's mind is not normal, and neither, really, are the other impossible things he wants. Quasi-chapter 403.


Title: Pipe Dreams   
Summary: Itachi said Naruto's childish dreams were unattainable. Naruto steadily realizes his jealousy of Itachi is not normal, and neither, really, are the impossible things he wants.   "I loved you, did you love me?"

A/N: Because while Sasuke is crazy because he should be, and Itachi is crazy because it goes better with his image, Naruto just divorces from reality like a shounen hero lawsuit waiting to happen.

--

Do you feel something pulling you back in?  
Do you see something you'd want to see again?   
I could be the one, I could make it up to you   
Take me back, I'm the lonely boy  who loves you.  
_ black lab _

* * *

Filtering through my quasi-utopian image of a giantantic bath full of ramen, and Sakura-chan in a bikini (kinda problematic, not because I remember she's allergic to topping, but because she's not smacking me for staring at her killer abs. Yeah, it's awkward when it's that clear you're dreaming), I heard a shrill noise that shouldn't be honking out of Sakura-chan's otherwise cute mouth. At least, I think it's honking.

Stuff blurs, and yeah, I'm waking up but not quite, yet. That in between place in the mind, where you drift randomly and quickly, even if it feels like forever.

This is where I go.

(10)

I'm upset because of what happened _(this day, three years ago...)_ to Sasuke when Itachi came and hurt him. I'm back there, twelve years old, and I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack when Sasuke's eyes are open but that's it. He's not scowling, or pinching his nose, or throwing kunai, or calling me a loser -- and I can't do anything.

And because everything that dominos after that day hurts way, way too much, once again I try tell myself this is it. This is the last part of the friggin 'song that never ends' nightmare that _has_ to be the last few years of my life. I'll wake up any minute now and freak out, stumble outside down the street to see _them_ at the training grounds, each yelling at me in their own way as my clumsy thirteen year old self somehow manages to flick off Sasuke, sulk at Sakura-chan, and whine at Kaka-sensei trying to use one of his excuses back at him at the same time.

Or...really, it doesn't even have to go that far back. Maybe I still have a chance when I'm asleep in the empty class room while Iruka-sensei grades some tests before we go for ramen and I tell him all about my super sweet resengan. Sasuke will be fixed up. He won't be mad at me. He can even make that _way_ bad ass entrance with the leaves and shit like during the Exams and cut us off--goad me to the grounds and maybe I'd let him win one from the two out of three. And we'd hurt each other, but not _hurt_ hurt each other. Because he's Sasuke, and he's really himself, so I won't be crying as I kill him in the face until he slams into a rock; I'd be going HOLY SHIT I DID IT and he'd be a sulking fit until I stepped onto a seal and nearly blow my 'dumbass jumpsuit' off and making him smirk in satisfaction.

I wouldn't feel sick, I wouldn't feel hurt, or confused, when he brings out his fire jutsu. I'd be laughing as it only takes out a clone, and then ask if him if he can make them come out of his ass too, because I'm me, I'm awesome, I'm fucking Batman and Sasuke doesn't have to worry; nothing will keep me down for long when I'm on a high where we're fighting and he's basically admitting I'm good enough to spend an hour with, letting me eat it up like the greedy little brat I am.

(9)

Okay, I guess that's too impossible.

Jesus, you know at this point I'll even settle for waking up to a hawk message from Really Old Hag Tsunade saying Sasuke's stupid, tiny brain really _was_ only temporarily broken but he's all better now just in time for his birthday, so I better get my orange ass and Jiraiya's perverted one back to Konoha.

I wouldn't even be mad at Sasuke, I'd be too busy gloating I could eat more cake than him, before we puke it up, anyway to think about it; and he pukes first because he hates sweets and sugar.

I'm _not_ mad at Sasuke. Just mad at what the stupid shit he does to himself. And he has the temerity to call _me_ a dumb ass.

All the problems with Akatsuki, Root, and Denzou would turn out to be a part of the dream too. Something swept up and gone, more harmless than it had appeared. That Itachi person who came out of nowhere just vanished without hurting anyone or affecting anything.

In this _real_ world the Council is still a bunch of old farts farting around like the grumpy, useless things they are, but the Leaf and the rest of the sane world know enough to trust Sasuke like I do, and override them. Shikamaru's just bitchy and the bingo book is dumb; they would never turn on him, no one would be sent to kill him like they have in this equally dumb nightmare. Sasuke is my rival, my best friend, my brother. And he's flipping Sasuke. They couldn't treat him that way. It just wouldn't be right because he's just…

Seriously if they treat him badly there's something obviously wrong with this village, and that's all the more reason I have to become Hokage and fix that (after Sasuke mops my floors bahahaha).

I'm not crying.

I'm not.

(8)

...I hate Itachi more than I've ever hated anyone in my entire life.

Because of Itachi Sasuke isn't doing what I want — he isn't staying with me.

I'm still dreaming. I have to be and maybe, just maybe, time will still go back and a different Itachi will be there. That's another reason this is all a nightmare. Itachi — who supposed to be a _real_ brother — just couldn't act they way he currently is in my overactive imagination. He wouldn't turn his back on Sasuke, because real brothers lack the ability to do that. He wouldn't try to make Sasuke shatter so completely; wouldn't punch him, wouldn't break him, wouldn't make Sasuke scream like I've only heard on the back roads from slaughter shops, the cattle just begging to die so it would all be over, making my heart stop and blood freeze as Sasuke screams enough for me and everyone in a two mile radius.

A real brother doesn't _do_ that, and a brother doesn't tell you the only way you'll ever be loved is if you're strong, if you're a dumb ass and hate people and do anything for power. So it can't be real and the real Itachi has to be someone else, _anyone_ else. I don't even care if Itachi is really my evil landlord in the real reality or what the shit, just as long as he is the brother Sasuke wanted.

... but far enough away so Sasuke would still notice me.

Okay, so maybe I still don't want Itachi there. But, seriously, if there was a time switch, next time around Sasuke has to have someone left. He just can't be alone in that house with those dead people for so long. I had it minus the crappy family history, or any family history, and it still sucked _dinosaur_ balls, so Sasuke shouldn't have that. Not when he's...him. It does not make sense and that's why this is a dream.

(7)

Yeah, all this -- it's just _ridiculous_. Sasuke's stuffy from his nose always shoved up his ass, yeah, but he couldn't possibly be doing the stupid things I've been dreaming about.

That's why Orochimaru has to just shut up and die. Just shut up; because nothing he says is true (Sasuke doesn't belong to _anybody_), because monsters like him and Itachi fucked everything up when it was all going not-quite perfect but perfect enough, and ruined people's dreams -- _my_ dreams. Hurting Sasuke and taking him away from me even when he was still there before I understood what was going on. He wouldn't have left if it hadn't been for _things_ like them, if they hadn't fucked him over into thinking betrayal and murder was the right way, his only way from going crazy and his dead parents hating him. Because Sasuke totally wouldn't have gone down that road at all if he had been thinking like his usual condescending smart ass self.

But soon that's slipping away too, until it's the day after Sasuke really, actually, horribly left. He left his scratched protector behind with me, and Ero-sennin is trying to tell me it gets easier; that after losing someone the hurt goes away, no matter how bad, with time. He said it doesn't matter how much you say you love someone; eventually enough time passes until you don't miss them like you used to, and eventually you feel content with the happy memories that are left over, until you can let go and it fades away.

But you know something I've learned? It's all bull shit.

Maybe this is just another thing wrong, another thing _special_ about me, because "it" never goes away. I _don't_ just remember the good times; I still have every sneer, shove, and insult burned to the back of my retinas right along with the snide jokes, secret stares, and supporting pushes and it _never_ gets easier! None of it ever goes black and white, none of it is ever foggy or scratched or without the exact tone of our voices there for me to torture myself with. Time passes and I still want to hit him and shout at him like I'm still thirteen and selfish and demanding and hurt. Every day for nearly three fucking years it's the Valley of the End, every day is first day without him, and it's all because of _them_.

I _hate_ so much it scares me. What I want to do to Orochimaru as he sends me that oily, disgusting smile across the bridge, scares me.

(6)

I don't believe it'll ever end. A real brother is supposed to be the other part of you, at least that's what I like to think these days. Because Iruka-sensei's like my dad and I feel a freaking lot for him, and because Sakura-chan is... Sakura-chan, my partner, my friend, and I feel a lot there,...

So the only bond I can think of that's stronger than loving a family member or another person, is a bond connecting to more of the other part of you than anything else. Someone on the same side of the mirror as you, the hand you scramble for in the dark.

And something like that, something that personal, involves letting them know it. _That_ is what brothers do, that's what they're supposed to do! So Itachi isn't really Sasuke's brother -- I am, I've become that.

Because I'd do it. You'd better believe I'd make Sasuke feel safe, tell him it's okay to be nice to Sakura-chan sometimes, or other girls or people without snake fixations and stuff and it won't ruin his image of being as cuddly as a constipated gorilla or whatever. I wouldn't be such a intangible psycho, I wouldn't be a controlling son of a bitch.

I still want to tell him I don't care what he's done or doing just so long as I can be there and either tap knuckles or call him an idiot, and he can do whatever the hell he wants back.

While I'm shoving his head in the dirt for making me run this many god damn miles with a dick-obsessed Anbu, anyway.

(5)

When Sasuke suffered for hours, while I was looking for the hag, Sakura-chan probably came every day and did her humming thing and other girly stuff because that's what she does when she wants to fix somebody.

I can do that too now you know, Itachi. This time I can get over myself and wrap my arm around him randomly, not just when I'm lost in the moment of adrenaline. And maybe if I did it enough times, and did it right, got this friendship thing right this time, he would do it back.

Then I would just get _the fuck over myself_ and hug him, because I don't get many of them and Sasuke probably got even less and he's so prickly I'm probably the only one strong AND dumb enough to get one in before I get a black eye. I would be there when he's about to explode like Mount Sasuke likes to do; but I'll talk to him this time like how Iruka-sensei talks to me: like I'm the only important thing in the world. To him. Not at him, not down at him, which is actually kind of hard for me to do.

Most importantly, I'll be there when he cries, I'll be there this time and tell him he's not weak for crying, I'll tell him he's amazing, like you apparently never did. And I'd make it stop by acting dumb because that always distracts Sasuke from his moodiness when he can insult something. That or kick him in the balls and steal all his kunai to spray paint them neon pink. Whatever works.

I bet you never even let him cry when you killed everybody.

(4)

He wants your attention the same way I want his attention. And I can't fully get what I want until you're gone, so I hope you die real soon 'cause I'm never all that patient and I already hate your guts. With Sasuke, Sakura-chan and Iruka-sensei I try, but that's because I love them, and that's what you do with the things that are sort of yours and loved — you take care of them. You don't only pay attention when there's cracks to be filled, you never let them become broken, scratched, or bruised with fingerprints in the first place.

You never took care of him, you tried to break him until he wasn't himself but only what you wanted, and that's why Sasuke will _never_ belong to you.

No, not only because you're ugly and I think you smell.

(3)

God _dammit_, Sasuke…

You stupid, stupid, _water-slipping-through-my-fingers_ idiot. Shit. I'm not crying, I'm not, but this _is_ real, isn't it? It is, all the stuff that according to every bit of logic in my heart says isn't right and isn't natural has actually happened when it shouldn't and it pisses me off so much I feel that line where I end and you begin blurring again and threatening to drive me insane.

Just what the hell. What the hell are you doing to me?

I saw you again. And you saw me, but you looked at me _differently_. At least, you were trying to look at me differently. Make me less of what I am. I can't stand that, I can't stand you trying take back what you _can't _take back. And I can't stand you throwing me for a loop like back at the Valley when you told me you loved me in one breath and you had to kill me in the next. This time you did it three years later: you spoke on the cliff and said I was nothing, but looked at me _and only me_ like we were alone in the world. Like despite everything, even though I hate you sometimes, and you can't even let yourself hate me because that's you in denial you have feelings anymore...

... you didn't mind that I haven't stopped thinking about you for a single day. That somewhere, after three years, for two minutes even with Orochimaru and Kabuto there, you looked at me and took it with you like you needed it.

You make _zero_ sense, you know that? You're lucky I don't care much, because I love you. That's what brothers, family, are supposed to do. And I know I'm not blood, but I'm going to try my best by going farther than anyone ever has with blood, until you see what we have _is_ beyond blood, maybe even stronger than that (stronger than even _Itachi_ dead or alive) and I won't stop running until I've tackled you and figured out how to get you to sit still long enough so we can figure out the name of it, and if we have to make one ourselves.

It could be, like, ramenato. Meaning, um, harmony or something gay I'll say was your idea.

Shut up, it's better than anything you could come up with. And ramen tops tomatoes any day.

(2)

I see her crying — Sakura-chan. She thinks I don't, but there's a lot about me she doesn't like to see or know about.

Sasuke I need you back. I can't look at her, Sai, Gaara, anyone, anymore, without thinking about you. I look at her and see myself failing, because I broke a promise to her about you. I can't even see or hear her anymore even when she's right in front of me, and there's so much of me she doesn't like to see or know about and I think sometimes I've _scared her_; Sasuke, I hurt her so badly, and I don't want to kill her but I _might_ because she's Sakura-chan and she'd never run away just like she'll never stop thinking I'm an idiot, which I am.

Jesus, Sasuke, you have to be here, because if you were I won't fall apart, then. I wouldn't worry about the Kyuubi, about anything, because we could take _on_ anything, you and I. I don't admit to needing much, but I need you here, to help me figure _out_ me, and all this really messed up stuff that's going on. I need you to catch my ankle, moving faster than anyone ever had just so I don't fall in the water.

I need you so much it hurts; so much the flesh peeling, boiling and melting with blood on my bones is nothing compared to the Kyuubi showing me over and over again the sight of you walking away and me being too slow, too weak, too little too late, to stop you.

I need _you_. Not what you're trying to be for someone else. I want every dumb, clumsy, selfish bit of what _you_ are.

And once upon a time, to Haku, to your brother and Ero-sennin even, you admitted you needed every dumb, clumsy, selfish part of me, too.

Sasuke, I saw Itachi -- I guess it was right before the fight I couldn't help you with, again; but I don't know what he wanted, other than make me hate him even more. I was angry because now matter what I've told Tsunade or anyone else I was looking for you and got him instead. I wanted to fight him and kill him, ...but I didn't want to fight him and kill him. I wanted to kill him so I could show you what I can do for you, and even more, what we could do together. I wanted him gone before I acted at all because that might be the thing to make you hate me forever; but honestly this limbo you have me in is making me frustrated and desperate. There's a reason you're so desperately trying to stay away from me, running so fast, right?

I'll find you. Everything will get tied up and finished, somehow. We'll go back home, and if everybody's retardedly weird around you I'll like...walk around as a naked woman and sing show tunes to really give them something to talk about (if you didn't walk next to me I'd understand). And if that doesn't work we can take off to wherever you want for a while, because, while I promised Sakura-chan I'd get you back, I promised _myself_ I'll get it right this time, and that means beyond just getting you back in Konoha.

If you died I'd kill everyone; I've nearly done it twice now.

(1)

So, ...when Itachi dies, you're probably going to go nuts too. And when that happens we'll go somewhere. Conquer the world with our mind-blowing ninjaness; make crap loads of money and all that even when you're crazy. And no Anbu or other idiots will ever catch us. When we're not doing that we'll be kids; I don't think either of us are good at that and we don't have much time left but we'll figure it out. Maybe we'll save another village with a bridge fetish and bam -- we'd both have bridges named after us. And I'm thinking something with fish because we _did_ good with that, once, right? Oooh, have you ever had pineapple? The perv and I ate some at a trading station way the hell out by the ocean; we'll go there, eat some, and I'll piss you off by laughing at you while you get your fingers all sticky, and when we're so sick with fruit and about to puke maybe it'll escalate into throwing pineapples at each other's heads until either I resengan a pineapple or you chidori one (it sounds cool, admit it) and we're kicked out and banned for life.

Sometimes we'll fight and it'll get _reallly_ ugly because you're you, and I'm, well, me. And apparently I don't understand you; but when I ask if you understand me you get quiet, or you get even more nasty even though I don't think I'm that complicated and all you have to know is I like ramen, I want a family with you in it, I'm going to be a kick ass Hokage, and I hate cats. But I guess the cat thing would be way too personal for you or whatever.

And whether it's after waving at the raving villagers or there's another hole through my chest with your hand on the other side, or I'm yelling at you I _so did not snore and wake that bear up_, I'll tell you that nothing can ever stop me from carrying you around inside my heart, my mind, me, with every breath I take; and that I would do _anything_ for you, Sasuke. Kill for you, fight for you, die for you in return like you did for me, even if loving you is usually full of pain and one of us bleeding a lot and hurting like a bitch because we suck that bad at talking, or that you scare off all the hot women because you aren't funny, and you'd only tell me you sort of like me when we're in deep shit or it's kind of a "yes I just did that for love, whatever, shut up" more than anything else. That'd be okay because that's about as eloquent as I am, and I'm still going to kick you when you're stupid so I guess we're even.

Sasuke, you'll see, _I'll be the one to make it_. I'll be the one person you cared about who didn't die or use you and or want you for something you're not. In fact, I'll become so strong no one can kill me and you won't have to worry about being alone or failing, and I won't ever stop looking up to you.

I only hope you won't be mad again, get jealous and misunderstand why I try so hard and other things inside that weird duck butt head of yours that kind of flatter me, because I'm understandably conceited in the face of my imposing magnificence, but also kind of make me want to hit you and turn your urine blue.

And maybe one day you'll be you enough to like yourself. Maybe I'll get there too. And maybe Itachi's lingering pain, your love for him and your family, won't hurt so much, so you'll smile or laugh. Even if you shut up a second later because I'm looking at you way too happily and you try to sulk or punch me in the face, and we'll be sparring not like high ranking ninja but ... five year olds. It'd still be worth it.

That's my perfect world. That's what I really dream about, when I'm not turning over every punch, swipe and grin over in my head. I want it more than going back in time, more than changing our backgrounds, more than I've ever wanted Hokage or real parents. It's not so perfect, kind of demented, definitely no happily ever after because your life sucks and mine isn't much better, and, yeah, lots of ow's, but it's mine and I think you'd like it. I think we could make it; we could be the lucky ones where all the adults screwed up their lives and screwed up the world and we can flick them off and be the stuff of legends never forgotten when we aren't shoving the other's face in the dirt until someone yells 'uncle' or 'ramen is awesome.'

I'm not the family that got taken from you, and I'm not the 'family' that's left and constantly pulverizing your heart, and ... I'll never, ever, be a _real_ brother, but I'll try my best to be even better than anyone's ever done to make up for it so one day blood will completely slip your mind when you think of what I am. It will happen.

And I won't waste a second until I've done it.

Or, instead of breaking all your limbs and dragging you home, I'll be breaking all of mine and haunting the _fuck_ out of you, you stubborn, frigging, arrogant _pri_--

(0)

Naruto snorted, limbs flailing incoherently and just barely stopped himself from kunai'ing the bull frog that decided to do it's croaking on his chest and wake him up. With a flat look of realizing how close he was to wearing frog guts, he shoved the thing off before Sakura-chan woke up beside him and screamed at the sight of it, scared the crap out of Hinata, and pissed off Shino who was acting bitchy enough about something he didn't feel like sharing.

It was almost light -- Kiba's nose and Hinata's eyes needed a rest, but they'll be moving again, soon.

... to Konoha.

He stared off into the trees back where they came from. Madara's words ring through his head for hundredth time. And he's not crying. He's not.

* * *

A/N: This does take place with the recent manga chapters because, hell, Naruto doesn't even know about the Jiraiya-lol-your-godfather thing yet, wtf. And yeah. I hate frogs. They freak me out. D:

And I swear to god this is not yaoi. I've just been crying at too many re-watches of _Supernatural_ and pwoidskla omg Sasuke/Naruto you're both such humongous stupidsaurs and I want Kishimoto to just paoiwejfk;ds IDK IDK. D:


End file.
